Devious Journal Entry

I give up.. I just give up.. I think I did the right thing though. It hurts to be the person who has to be aggressive but sometimes you have to be the enemy to protect the ones you love. I had to say so many lies.. I had to be the person I hated.. and it ended in tears but I was tired of them feeling obligated to remain around me. I have already been blocked, unfollowed, and god only knows what else when the last message I sent them before the birthday wishes on Tumblr was ignored.. the most recent Skype message I ever sent them was the 27th of March. Someone who pretends to be selfless.. doesn't cry when they send a message... doesn't make the sacrifices I have made in my life.. I am very selfish.. and I know it.. 

But I did listen.. I listened when they told me that they were afraid of people seeing them in a bad light.. I listened when they told me about the problems they had. I accept I didn't listen when they shared stories of their personal life and I chased them off when they tried to do something I didn't like. I KNOW I was in the wrong. But I honestly don't feel I deserve this pain.. don't deserve to be labelled as never listening.. don't deserve what is happening to me right now.

You can take this however you wish, you can say I'm guilting you, you can say whatever you'd like but I do not ever expect what I write to be read. This is simply here because this is a journal and I'm using it to write down my feelings.. It's been so long since I've talked here with you all but I have been through many things as some of my previous journals even mention.

I have lost my grandfather, friends, was kicked out of my grandmother's house, was told that my Uncle never cared about me.. and the list goes on and on. It has been a very hard life but if there is one thing I can say it's that I have survived.. what I had recently was a beautiful friendship and I will never forget them.. ever.. I won't remove them from Skype. I won't throw away what they made me. I won't RP what I did with them. I won't unfollow them. I won't do any of that.

Not because I expect them to just suddenly come back and talk to me, but because I genuinely enjoy what they do. That won't change no matter how much time passes. I don't ever want to end a friendship on a cold note because you never know if you'll never see that person again.. you very well may never see them again. I will not treat someone like they are nothing to me because of a conflict. Do I expect them to do the same for me? Absolutely not.

Life is hard, and we make hard decisions. We're labelled as things we really don't want to be and sometimes, friends hurt us when they don't mean to or are trying to protect us. I hold no hostility even though I displayed it.. I'm extremely selfish.. but I care.. I will always care and even if people call me a bold-faced liar what matters is that I know what I am.

This friend was amazing and I won't forget what they did for me. Just like the last one that left it will take some time to recover, but I will certainly do my best and I sincerely, truly, do hope they are able to be happier now. Since my ex left she has been happier, my other friends that left have been happier, and yes, I may very well have been the problem. But sometimes when you truly love something.. you have to let it go.

I hope to post more art in the upcoming weeks and welcome to all of my new watchers! Thank you for the support everyone who has helped. If you know the situation and you know me and this person.. all I ask is you hold no hostility towards them nor attack them. I do not want any aggression. Both sides were in the wrong. I am just as much to blame as them.

Thank you again, and I am sorry for the depressing journal but I just really needed to write and here I don't have to worry about getting hateful messages. Have a fantastic day.